Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Irradiated Utz. It's what's for lunch. Also people are retarded.

So, I completely forgot to pack lunch today (read: "I overslept and barely had time to poop and shower") so I went to the school cafeteria.  Unfortunately I also forgot to have any money and teachers have to pony up three bucks for the "food," so I busted out my one remaining dollar and got a bag of potato chips.  I am inordinately fond of snack food, so this wasn't really a bad thing, but then I saw the writing on the wall.  And by wall I mean the bag of chips.

Quick aside--what the hell are potato chip bags made of these days? I remember when they were wax paper; this crap is maybe foil and maybe plastic and possibly both, but is definitely going to give us all cancer.

I was happily nomming away on my salt 'n vinegar chips when I noticed the warning on the bag: "Do Not Microwave This Pouch."

What. the. hell.

I'll admit, for a party snack I have sprinkled cayenne pepper on Grandma Utz Kettle Chips and baked them for a few minutes, but who in creation microwaves potato chips?  Ever?  Why would you? What... Oh, I don't know, this is just too weird for words.

Oh, fine, I'm sure there are stranger things one might do with potato chips--say, pulverizing them and inserting into one's urethra--but why not caution against that, too?

Some time ago I mentioned the "Caution: Hot Contents" warning on fast food coffee cups.  While this, to me, comes under the heading of "No shit!" I understand that some idiot sued McDonalds--successfully--because she scalded her thighs with coffee from the drive-thru, and claimed that she wasn't warned about the heat.  Look, you stupid bitch, you would have complained if your coffee had been cold, and now because you're too goddamn dumb to hold on to it, you sue McDonalds because coffee is hot?

So I don't quite understand the warning, because who the hell would microwave potato chips, but I do understand it, because some jackass would microwave the package and burn himself and then sue Utz because he wasn't specifically told not to microwave it.  Frankly, if you microwave a bag of potato chips, you deserve what's coming to you.

The beautiful grand staircase at the Hotel Jefferson has been marred for years now by an ungainly railing that goes down the middle.  Why?  Safety code insists.  Never mind that there are railings on either side; the twenty-foot-wide stair must have a railing down the middle.  I am not clear on this, either.  If you need a damn handrail, then walk on the side of the staircase where there's a rail.  I don't give a rat's ass how many people fall to their deaths on the staircase--if they're that stupid they need to die, anyway--but do not screw with good Richmond architecture.

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Thanks! Now, go get a drink, sit down and enjoy the show.