Thursday, March 6, 2014

An open letter to my least favorite time of day.

Dear 5:30 AM:
     I am aware that you need to exist.  Without you, the whole concept of the clock and keeping time in general would be thrown off, and thus I respect your place in the scheme of things.  I do not, however, appreciate having to be awake for your self-affirmation five days per week (even though this week that was narrowed down to two).
     Let me take a moment here to raise an issue with your personal semantics.  I know you like to think of yourself as "5:30 in the morning," but I ask you to consider the usage of "AM."  Strictly speaking, "AM" denotes "ante-meridiem" or "before midday."  Your daily existence does happen before midday (and you should know this because having been around for a long time, you understand Latin).  
     You may like to think of yourself as part of the morning, but this is not correct by my analysis and personal definition.  In order to be "morning," one must follow a specific rule from my book: that the sun should be up.  Even when the days are at their longest, you never really happen before full sunrise.  Thus, you do not meet this requirement.  You are still part of the night time.
     Furthermore, please quit encouraging other life forms to celebrate your existence every day.  It is bad enough that my cats believe that you are the appropriate time to be fed, but do you really have to get birds and joggers in on the act, too?  I already resent having to be awake to see you.  I do not want to hear maniacal birds nattering away to greet you, nor do I need to hear panting joggers outside the window.  It's just annoying.
     I would like to suggest, as well, that you expand your horizons.  Try having some quiet time! Don't make so many people and animals hang out with you.  Think of the refreshing break it would be if, when you happened, no one were around.  (Since you're a time, you probably don't have actual work to catch up on, but don't you think some solitude would be a nice change?)  Also, ask around a little bit.  Poor 12:30 PM has never even experienced what "darkness" is, and is used to being the lunch hour.  Maybe it would like the relative peace and quiet of your situation. Maybe being the "fart before I wake up" hour would be cool for a change.  I'm sure 12:30 would be happy to trade slots with you. Or what about your cousin and nemesis, 5:30 PM? That poor guy has been stuck in a rut for centuries.  All he knows is "rush hour" and "cocktail hour."  Imagine going through existence seeing nothing but commuters and drunk people. For you, though, just for a day or two, it would be kind of a vacation in a bar.
      I don't really have anything personal against you, 5:30 AM.  It's just that waking up to see you so often has worn very thin.  What's that, you say? If I don't want to be awake I should take it up with the school board and get them to open schools later in the morning?  Believe me, 5:30 AM, I've tried.  I figured that you, an unalterable feature of existence, would be easier to persuade than a county school system.

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Thanks! Now, go get a drink, sit down and enjoy the show.