Friday, March 28, 2014

Happiness is sticky and has a hole in the middle

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter.  I almost said "happiness is covered in white sticky stuff" but I knew you little pervs would really go nuts with that one.  Heheh, nuts.

I meant donuts, damnit.  Specifically Krispy Kreme donuts, which I am convinced are God's way of letting nice Southern people know that he loves us and wants us to be happy.  Fat, but happy. You know you're in a good place when one of your assistant principals walks around the building giving KK's to teachers.

There was a quiz floating around teh Facebooks a while back where you got to find out what kind of breakfast pastry you were.  Since there was no option for a pastry that farts first thing in the morning and then rolls over and goes back to sleep, I ended up being some kind of weirdass muffin.  I am not really into muffins in the first place; they're never sweet enough for my taste and they have a nasty habit of containing things that are supposed to be good for you like blueberries and cranberries.  Come on, people, if you're going to have a fruit-based pastry make it worth my while.  Or bran, which just makes you poop a lot.  Who needs a breakfast food that makes you poop?  I mean, I have a first period class; I can't exactly go hightailing it off to the "lavatory" just because I ate baked Metamucil.  The truly disturbing thing about the breakfast pastry quiz was that there was nothing normal on it.  No donuts, no Danish, and the only c roissant was also something weird.

I blame Panera for this.  I have to admit that I really like Panera for the most part, but they're kind of the Starbucks of the carbohydrate world.  They have managed to convince everyone that they're the only high-end bread out there.  Their stuff is supposedly "artisanal."  I know what an artisan is (that's the beauty of English-majordom) but really it should apply to things like porcelain and sculpture,  not broccoli-cheese bagels.  I think that where food is concerned, "artisanal" means "we threw some weird crap into the dough and are now charging six dollars for one roll."

Fortunately here in Dreamy Dixie we are still firm believers in the Donut Gospel.  Krispy Kreme is nothing short of heaven right there.  I am personally capable of eating nineteen of those suckers in one sitting and, diabetic coma notwithstanding, it's a sugar high you want to try.  Dixie Donuts on Cary street, right by the Byrd movie, is also pretty awesome and while they also have a tendency to do weird things with donuts, they are sugary versions of weird so it's OK.   I have just learned that the famed Duck Donuts, of Duck, North Carolina, is opening a Richmond store.  I have to keep reminding myself that the Easter Parade is coming up and I need to fit into my seersucker suit, and that bathing-suit weather isn't far behind, because otherwise with all these options I would be surfing a wave of lemon filling onto a Hot Donuts Now beach.

There is now a Krispy Kreme app for your iPhone that lets you know where the nearest KK is and if their Hot Donuts sign is lit.  Is it wrong that I decided to drive around just to test it out?

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Thanks! Now, go get a drink, sit down and enjoy the show.