Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I am less than enthusiastic about this development in the world of the movie palace--particularly because it involves one of my favorite theatres, which also happens to be my neighborhood theatre.

The Byrd's famously uncomfortable seats?  Really???

OK, OK.  I admit it.  Quite a few of the seats--particularly in the center section of the orchestra--are pretty badly sprung.   This doesn't mean they need to be replaced; it means they need to be reupholstered.


We have spent so many years plopped on our collective fat ass on a ridiculous couch in front of a big screen TV, wearing sweatpants or nothing, slopping frozen pizza and soda all over the wall-to-wall and passing it off as dinner, that we have forgotten how to dress, behave, eat--and sit--in public.

The author of the article seems a a little amused and mildly horrified that the Byrd's seats are the originals from 1928.  I'm a firm believer in the concept of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."  Some of the seats are broken and should be fixed.  Seriously, though, I have one sofa that dates to about 1835 and another one from 1880 something and they're every bit as comfortable as the day they were new.  Which is--if you sit like a well-brought up human being--fairly comfortable.  

The TV era and its unholy progeny, the video, DVD and Netflix (TM) eras have made us all uncouth slobs.  Draping your legs over the arm of the couch and scratching your nards while draining a Burriton Smoothie is fine at home.  Actually, no, it really isn't, but at least if it's YOUR home I will probably not be forced to look at you. Doing this at the movies is not fine at all.

But everyone thinks that it should be and so the Byrd's seats are uncomfortable because they're not conducive to such things.  I want nothing to do with these new French seats because if they're anything like French movies, they won't make a damned bit of sense in any language, they'll be moody, and no one will ever understand how they work.

Guide to watching a movie in a real movie theatre:
1)Find seat. It is OK to sit somewhere besides the five rows dead center.  It's a huge screen; you'll be able to see.
1.5)If you sit on one of the sides, you're less likely to sit in a seat that needs to be reupholstered.
2)Do not talk while the organ is playing.  There may be someone behind you who wants to hear "Turkish Towel."  If that person is me and you talk, I will drop wet JuJuBes down your back.
3)Sit up reasonably straight.  If you do, the seats aren't uncomfortable.
4)Do not drape your legs over the armrests. It's tacky.
5)Do not drape your legs over the seat in front of you. That wears out the upholstery and adds to the problem you've been complaining about.
6)Pick up your damn trash and flip the seat back up when you leave.

Now, don't you feel better being all civilized?

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Thanks! Now, go get a drink, sit down and enjoy the show.